My New Haircut and Other Assorted Thoughts

So this has been a pretty good week, but before I get to that I just have a few things I'd like to mention:

1. First of all, thanks to all of you who have been following my blog and subsequently for your kudos on both its content and my ability to craft prose. I cannot tell you how much this ego-stroking has meant to me. Your praise has inspired me to consider writing a novel. Yes, a novel. Based loosely on my life and my social commentary. Unfortunately, my upper-middle class privileged lifestyle does not provide a whole lot of adversity, so the book is going to focus more on witty commentary and amusing shenanigans more then actual hardship. I'm think of calling it, "Liquor Before Beer and Other Things I Wish I Still Believed In," and I'm already anticipating a best-seller. Or at least a spot on Oprah. You'd pay to read my thoughts, right? Well, maybe not since I'm delivering them here for free. Shit.
2. Health Care. I just wanted to say I am tired of reading about all this bitching, particularly from Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell, and Blue Dog Democrats. I'm sorry, this thing is going to happen with or without you. The American public is now strongly in favor of passing health care reform. While I admire you for sticking to your fiscally conservative ethos, the fact is that you are responsible to your constituents and the want reform. And they want it now. I now deep down that you all recognize that its going to happen with or without you, and by posturing like this you are setting you and your party up for 2010, but really, if 2008 showed us anything, its that the people of our great nation are tired of this political bullshit. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the game and I can't wait until I'm neck-deep in it, but on an issue such as this its time to stop dragging your feet and do what is best for the country, not for you or your party. The same goes for the new climate change bill. While it's not everything I'd hoped for, it's a start. And in politics, something is always better then nothing, so I'm not really complaining here. But seriously Republicans/conservative Dems: you are on the wrong side of history. Oh and stop bashing the Recovery Act. It's been 4 months. Chill.
3. Hooters in Berlin. To all Berliners - my sincerest apologies on behalf on America. I am sorry for giving you what could perhaps be the end of civilization as you know it: women who dress like hookers but (most likely) wont have sex with you, American beer, and greasy buffalo wings. I know many of you here are excited about its grand opening, but believe me - stay away. When people talk about the downsides of globalization, this should be a prime example.
4. Dave Chappelle. Those of you in Portland know what I'm talking about. I am so bummed I missed his surprise appearance at Pio Square. My only reaction of course though is, why, of all places, Portland? Didn't he quit his namesake show because he didn't like that his entire audience was 20something white affluent males (read population of Portland)?

So like I was saying, this has been a pretty good week. My weekend was pretty mellow - I was hoping to go big and do some clubbing or something but it just never materialized. Instead, I wound up seeing Brüno. While I don't think it was quite as good as Borat, I still enjoyed it. But I think I liked it 10x more because I saw it with Germans. There is nothing like the "oooohhhh daaayyyummmmmmnn" from a theater full of Germans when someone on screen makes a Hitler joke. Priceless.

Anyway, the rest of my week looked like this:

Monday - Went exploring and wound up at a lake on the outskirts of town near Wansee. I took a walk around the lake and wound up renting a row boat. It was pretty cool. Also, at the insistence of people I met at a biergarten there I had Radler, or beer mixed with Sprite. I was hesitant at first, but found that I actually really enjoyed it. Later confirmed my suspicion that Radler was in fact a "bitch drink" similar to Mikes Hard Lemonade. Don't really care, and I'm bringing it back with me to Portland.

Tuesday - The Kapitän's (department head) last day of work before he goes on vacation. We celebrate by having Belgian chocolates and champagne in the afternoon. Work ended early on Tuesday.

With my new free time however, I decided that I was in need of a haircut. I wound up going to this place in Kruezberg (once super ghetto, now super hipster) that I found on the Internet. The place is a one man shop that also serves as this dudes' art studio. It was funky, but all the reviews said it was good so I thought, why not. When I got there, instead of paying for the trim, he said that instead he would charge me for a piece of his art that was of equal value to the work I wanted done and he would then give me the cut for free. It seemed like a rather complex way of saying, "for the 35 euro haircut I will give you one of these pieces of art that I made in less then 2 minutes." But whatever, I thought this guy was just eccentric and artsy so I just went with it. I told him what I wanted done, and he proceeded to do pretty much the opposite. Needless to say, when he was done I definitely was rocking some serious euro-sleaze. The top of my hair was about 3x as long as the sides. I was not down.

After some serious freakouts about it (thank you to Amelia and my father for putting up with me), I decided I needed to have something done to it. Fast. By the time I made it to the salon down the street from me though, they were already closing for the night, so I had to a whole day with this ridiculous look.

To give you some idea of what this haircut looked like, think of it as the European version of "My New Haircut." It was about as skeezy as you could get. As my boss put it when he saw it the next day, it would "make me popular...with the German girls..." (note the trailing off). He also mentioned that it sort of looked like a toupe.

Wednesday - I went back to the salon, but of course they didn't speak any English there. Thankfully a client was able to translate for me and for 4 euro they fixed it. It was a crisis diverted. Thank god.

Thursday - It was extremely hot and the trains continued to not run on time. Still a good day though, mostly because I was no longer freaking out about my hair (yeah so what, I freak out about my hair. Deal).

Friday - Wait that's today. I rode my bike to work and that was a lot of fun. Also since its Friday and my advisor is taking off for his vacation on Wednesday I'm currently in no-work-but-still-have-to-show up limbo. I stayed through lunch then went for a ride through Tiergarten before coming home and writin' this thing. Mayme gets here around 8:30 tonight and I'm sure we will do something worthwhile of a blog entry sometime soon.

I realize I kind of don't really like this post. I'll try and do better next time.

One observation though for any of you who have visited/planning to visit German and/or know a German person who speaks English. Ask them to say a word that starts with "v" in English, like say for example, "visitor." Germans pronounce 'v' like we do 'w'. It can be quite entertaining. When I first got here, I got confused when my boss told me that we were having a "wisitor" (which I mistook for 'wizard' the first time he said it). Just thought I'd share.

Oh and about that novel. Odds are I will never write it. Even in writing this blog post I have already decided that coming up with interesting this to say is far too time consuming and psychologically draining. It was a good idea while it lasted though, right?

It's About That Time...

So, another week goes by without me updating this thing.

I’ve been busy, so sue me.

Anyway, quite an exciting week it has been. Not just for me, but really for people around the world. So much has changed since my last post, I really feel as though it deserves just a bit of my commentary (read: I like to talk about current events and thus such commentary is most likely to become a regular segment in my updates. Deal with it.)

First of all, I think these past few weeks have only added conclusive proof to the "celebrity deaths come in 3's" theory. First Farrah, then Michael, and then Billy Mays. As the late, great infomercial man one said, "I'll throw in the last one free at no extra charge!"

Between the first coup d'etat in South America since the Cold War, conservative politicians "hiking on the Appalachian Trail," mavericks who quit their jobs because "dead salmon are the only things that go with the flow," GM selling its "good assets" to the "New GM" (62% of which is owned by taxpayers like you and me!) and deciding that muscle cars are still a viable product, and the media spending countless hours debating whether or not its okay for Al Franken to be funny while serving in the Senate, who has time to remember that Michael Jackson died two weeks ago? Oh wait, its because that's still top news for some reason. Cool. But I mean seriously, I'm glad I don't have US cable television here, because that shit will rot your brain.

Okay now I'm getting off topic, but I don't really care. I think the entire concept of 24 hour news networks is foolish. There, I said it. It was a great idea, but sometimes, what is a good idea in theory doesn't always translate well to the real world. Like the Big 3's business model for the last 30 years. Good idea (to some), but in the end didn't really end up working out well. I like the idea that I can be informed of everything happening around the world as its happening, but I think after the birth of the Internet these networks pretty much lost all credibility on that front.

Alright enough of this I'm just sort of rambling. Now here's what I've been up to for the last week or so.

Before I get to my updates though I want to throw a shout-out to my fellow blogger-in-arms, “B.Mike.” I don’t quite understand the “B” in his pseudonym, but regardless I’m sending some blog-props out to him for hassling me and keeping me motivated to update this. Currently doing historical research in the ever-beautiful home of the greatest patriot of all time, Mike keeps up a detailed and witty account of his experiences as an intern in perhaps the most cracked-out place on Earth (when I say cracked out, I really mean meth. But ‘methed-out’ doesn’t have the same ring to it). Anyway, check out his blog sometime – truly inspiring.

Oh so where was I? Oh yeah, what I’ve been up to. This is probably going to be a bit of a doozy, so kick your feet up and grab a schnitzel, it’s going to be a wild ride.

Anyway, last Wednesday my parents and I took the fast-train to Hamburg. It was my first time on a real train (well, at least as long as I can remember), and it was my first time seeing any part of Germany outside of Berlin.

Since my parents were also going to be taking the train to München (Munich) for the weekend, they got themselves hooked up with first-class train tickets while I had to wallow with the common folk in second class (please note sarcasm). The train ride to Hamburg was relatively short (about 2 and a half hours), and I spent the whole trip in the dining car eating my way through a basket of bread and cheeses. Come to think of it, I’m actually quite certain that was the first and only actual “breakfast” I’ve had since I’ve been here. Weird. Anyway though, what I’m trying to say is the train ride was nice and it was cool to see the German countryside. In the small towns we passed through you could definitely see a good mixture of buildings that probably haven’t changed in 100+ years as well as decaying remnants of East German “infrastructure.” I put infrastructure in quotations because it really does all just look like a fascade.

One really cool thing I noticed as I stared out the window was the amount of wind turbines scattered throughout the countryside. I mean, I’ve heard and read a bit about how Germany is really becoming a leader in clean energy and all that, but it was really pretty cool to see it up close and personal. I think of the hundreds of windmills I saw, I probably saw less then 4 smokestacks along the way to Hamburg. While this just may mean that the Germans are good at keeping their CO2 production hidden, I’d like to think that perhaps this whole ‘green revolution’ thing might be possible.

One side note on this though before I go on: While looking at a cluster of windmills I realized that they could probably be extremely more effective if once the wind picked up in a certain direct they could all pivot to get the maximum amount of energy from the particular gust. As they stand now, the windmills are all positioned in different directions, but if they could all move once one started to pick up a significant amount of wind, wouldn’t that be extremely more efficient? Again, I’m no scientist or engineer, but I’m just saying. Oh and for your scientists and engineers out there, if this turns out to be a good idea, don’t forget where you read it first.

Oh so yeah, Hamburg. When we arrived we were met by my dad’s friend and business associate Helmar who showed us around for the day. Let me tell you a few things about Helmar…well really just one thing: Helmar is a badass. Plain and simple. Helmar is a war correspondant for the German television station, Spiegel TV, and has traveled the world and seen some pretty incredible shit. In addition to regaling us with his stories from work, Helmar also told us about the time BMW paid him to drive one of their motorcycles across North and South America. I’m talking Alaska to Tirerra del Fuego. Crazy right? While taking in a lovely boat tour of the Port of Hamburg (mind you, it was about 10000 degrees and humid), Helmar also shared with us some of the highlights of the trip he and his wife took driving their car from Germany to South Africa. Without getting into too many details (because I won’t give them justice), one part of the story involved faking visas, getting caught, and using booze to convince their captors to set them free.

I would say that I wish my life was like his, but unfortunately I think I would probably shit myself in many of the situations he is in. And I don’t mean that metaphorically. I mean I just don’t think I have the intestinal capabilities to withstand those sorts of high-intensity situations. Oh well.

So anyway, Hamburg was cool. Well not really, because as I said before it was incredibly hot and incredibly humid. One other interesting highlight of the day was walking through Hamburg’s red-light district. Now, it’s my belief that all American teenage boys, thanks in large part to great triumphs of American cinema (read Eurotrip), have had some sort of fascination with the freedoms found in European culture (read prostitution). American teens fantisize about their first time walking through such neighborhoods (just to look, of course), most likely in the company of their good friends as part of their larger vacation, drinking and puking through Europe. However, I am fairly confident that few if any of these boys imagined that in their first time walking into such a local they would be accompanied by their fathers. While there are lots of things my father and I like to do together, this is one thing I had always hoped would remain separate. As much as I love my father, looking at hookers and father-son bonding just don’t go together in my head. (Sorry Dad, just being honest). Nevertheless, it was quite entertaining and now I don’t feel the need to go to Amsterdam. And hey, I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said, “A penny saved is a penny not spent on a Hamburger hooker and the possible acquisition of numerous STDs.” Oh yeah, I also find it thoroughly amusing that the residents of Hamburg are called Hamburgers. ROFL LOL OMG LOLcats COMG.

Now we fast forward to Friday. Friday was supposed to be my chance to meet some German/American VIPs at the US Embassy's 4th of July celebration (yes, held on the 3rd for some reason). Anyway, thanks to a very well-connected individual (who also got me my job here), I got hooked up with an invite to this special shindig. My preconceptions of this event led me to believe it would a fairly small gathering, more or less a cocktail party where I could hobnob some important people and get hooked up with some cool job back home. Boy was I wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong, I actually had a great time. It just wasn't what I was expecting. When my guest (read date) Josh and I made it to the venue, we were surprised to find that it more of a grand, corporate-sponsored fiesta then anything else. Josh and I figured there had to have been between 400 and 500 people there, but apparently, there were over 1000. The sheer size of the event pretty much put the kibosh on meeting any important people. I mean, I spent 2 hours just looking for the guy who helped got me the invitation and I couldn't find him!

Anyway though, event itself was pretty cool. All the big American businesses/food chains in Germany had booths, the highlights of which included free Bud and Sam Adams and as many boxes of Duncan Doughnuts that you could carry. God bless America.

Entertainment was provided courtesy of the Navy's own rock 'n roll band, Flagship. First of all, let me start by saying, "the Navy has a rock 'n roll band?!?" Yes, they most certainly do. And they ROCK. Maybe it was just because I have been missing some good ol' American rock 'n roll, or maybe it was the idea of seeing 5 dudes dressed in full sailor gear rocking like there was no tomorrow, but I was beyond impressed. I think the best part was their MC/roadie who had a full on mullet, hick facial hair, and an incredible American flag button up dress shirt on. God bless America.

The event concluded with a spectacular fireworks show on the Wansee. It was great until halfway through "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston, when apparently a "fuse" broke, and they couldn't get the fireworks to launch. There were really two problems with this, the first being that they somehow fixed the fuse just after most people (including myself and Josh) left the grounds and were thus forced to see the fireworks from the street (which was covered with trees, which means that all we could really do was hear them). The second and perhaps most disturbing problem with this fireworks show was that they were playing Whitney Houston perhaps 4 songs into the supposedly 30 minute fireworks spectacle. I don't know about you, but "I Will Always Love You" doesn't really strike a super patriotic chord with me, let alone follow "Born in the USA" all that well.

So here is where my Friday night story gets interesting. After leaving the party, Josh and I go to meet his friends at a bar. I stick around for a bit but by then it was close to 1am and I needed to get back to my flat since I had a 7:40 flight to catch the next morning to Munich. As I'm getting on the train back to my stop, I notice a man gesturing to me. He is carrying a giant America ribbon that he clearly had taken from the party, and he noticed that I was wearing a American-German lapel pin that they had been giving away. He motions me over and we begin to talk. He is with a few of his friends, and one guy I assumed to be his boyfriend. We get to talking and apparently this guy is quite well connected to the entire US diplomatic mission in Germany, and is good friends with many of the higher-ups in the various embassies. At this point I'm thinking to myself, "yes this night might not have been for naught, perhaps I will get a sweet connection after all." Let me tell you though, I definitely did get a connection. Just not one I was expecting. Or wanted.

Anyway, this guy invites me to go with his friends to a bar for their mutual friend's party or something like that. It's just down the street where I live so I say, why not, just one drink can't be a big deal. So we get to the club and we all sit down and grab a beer. Within 10 minutes, all of the other friends have disappeared, and its just the guy and I talking. This is about the time that I begin to realize that he may be hitting on me. I try and play it cool but after we finish our beers he insists on buying me another and somehow makes a slip and tries to touch my hand. Now I am getting a bit nervous but decide to just play it cool cause I don't want to insult the guy. Now it's getting close to 2am and I really need to go home. I tell him I'm taking off yet he insists that I stay for one more drink. I tell him no I really need to go home but he somehow already had a beer for me. He tells me that he also needs to take off since he is leaving at 8 in the morning. He starts to hint about how far away the place he is staying is at, and keeps on bringing up how nice it is that I live so close. Now I am starting to panic. As I turn to leave, he walks out with me. I tell him I had a great time, it was nice to meet him, and maybe we'll meet up again sometime. I extend a handshake. He brushes it aside and says "no we're friends" and gives me a hug. Okay no big deal I can handle a hug. As we de-embrace, he looks at me and just goes for it. Right on the lips. Yeup.

Needless to say, this is when it got very awkward. He could tell I was not happy. He starts to apologies and I just tell him I'm sorry but this is not me. He looks wounded. I don't really care. I turn and start walking as fast as I can without looking like I was running. I buy another beer on the street and use it to gargle my mouth out. I get home and realize it's 3am, I still need to pack, and I have to get up in 3 hours. Oh and did I mention I was drunk and got kissed by a dude? Fuck.

Anyway though, I somehow made it to my flight and arrived in Munich safe and sound. After a few hours of rest, I met my parents and their friends in the city center for lunch. We had a traditional Bavarian meal, including beer, pretzels, weisswurst, and leberkäs (translates to "liver cheese," but it contains neither liver nor cheese...it kind of resembles SPAM). Needless to say, probably not the best post-hangover food, but I kept it down.

After the lovely meal, I walked around the city center a bit on my own before meeting up with my former, and now soon-to-be again roommate, Nico. Nico, along with a gaggle of other LC students, has been studying in Munich for the last year. They kindly took me in on Saturday and let me pig out at their 4th of July potluck/BBQ thing, but I'll get to that in a second.

After meeting up with Nico, we went for a walk through Englischer Garten, which I believe is bigger then Central Park. Regardless, it was a sweet park and probably cooler then Central Park just cause there are biergartens everywhere as well as (surprisingly) attractive naked people. Nico took me to the center of the park, where I indulged in my first liter of beer. It was awesome (and quite filling). It was there, drinking my liter surrounded by people in traditional Bavarian outfits that I really felt like I was in Germany. It was glorious.

Anyway though, after our romp through the park Nico and I went back to his giant student-housing complex (I mean, this place is like a city in itself) and enjoyed the company of a bunch of Americans as we took in the 4th. There was plenty of beer, burgers, and fireworks to make us all feel at home. At some point as it got dark and we were all playing with sparklers, I felt that it was my duty to stand on a post and recite the president's speech from Independence Day. I'd always wanted to do that. I had never felt so patriotic.

So the next day I woke up and was again sleep deprived and a bit hungover. Our family friend took us to an art museum which to be honest I couldn't really have cared less about, but hey, sometimes its important to get some culture in your life (or so I'm told). Afterwards we went for a bike ride through the Englischer Garten which was also quite nice. Finally, we got back on a plane and returned to Berlin, where I rested up for another week of policy writing and blank window staring.

Well, until next time...

Oh and for those who noticed, yes, I did edit this post since I originally posted it. Can you tell where!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?